making the first step...it ain't easy.

From what I understand, these blogs are supposed to offer us the chance to record the changes and development we experience through the Beyond Borders process. But what inevitably gets intermingled with the BB process is our personal lives, and for about the past week, my personal life (and my quest for self-development) has certainly dominated much of my time. For those who know me well, attention is certainly not something I go in search of, which makes this particular blogpost that much more difficult. The attention I am hoping to avoid in this specific instance is that of pity and/or annoyance, especially since I am going to attempt to make this blogpost the first step in the direction of positive change.

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Before I delve into the topic of this blog, I should note the change I made to my blog title from "Ti-nina's Ukraine Experience" to "MY Ukraine Experience". The main reason for that is I have a serious issue of worrying about what everyone thinks of me and what I do. That said, I found myself looking at other BB students' blogs for inspiration on what I should blog about. Problem is, this is not "Ti-nina's Ukraine Experience: According to everyone else", this is MY experience, based on me. Period.

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As I was saying...One of the changes I am ready (?) to make is my uncanny ability to procrastinate in all areas of my life. This is not simply an issue of putting something off until the last minute. No, no, I tend to go well past the last minute (prime example: this blog was due yesterday). Some of you may be wondering how this issue relates to the BB experience...well, I am very hard on myself, constantly analyzing everything I do (or don't do, as this blog is testifying to). This can take up a lot of time and energy that could otherwise be put to good use (like posting my blog before the due date!). If I can tackle this issue and really get it under control, then I believe it will start a chain reaction in the direction of positive change, which would definitely enhance my experience both in the Ukraine, and in life!

It seems the more I have to do, the more overwhelmed I become, thus I avoid all of my responsibilities. Then, when I decide that I am actually going to accomplish something, I think of all the other things that I've yet to tackle, and give up on what I started. It's a vicious cycle, and I fully admit that I enable every second of it. I suppose part of it is that I am so afraid of failing, so I don't bother trying in order to avoid any chance of that happening (failing, that is). I still can't believe that, as of right now, I am even participating in BB for that very reason! In keeping with many of my past endeavours, I would most certainly have assumed that I would've given up and backed out by now. But, to my surprise, I'm still here! I've got to take that as a positive sign. This must be meant to be.

So, in an attempt to gain control of my life and all its responsibilities, I thought I would check out what my school's Counselling Services had to offer. Turns out they have a workshop for people just like me! Only problem is that it runs the same time I have night class. Bummer. BUT! I am determined not to give up!! I figure by posting my declaration of non-procrastination in this blog I am making myself accountable in my decision for change. I am in no way assuming that it's going to be a quick and easy fix - I very well may still be working through this change a year from now (:S). But, I think the point is to admit that this is causing some major problems in my life, and it's time for my energy to go into fixing the problem, rather than perpetuating it.

So, here goes! This is going to be interesting.